Born as a loner, i am always an outsider every where i had been to since i was born. I was a new comer to my own family, which I rejoined when I was seven yrs old, went to 3 primary schools, 2 secondary schools, places i have grown up and stayed at were further and further away from home , travelled to places but i could not stay for long.
I have an ID card from Msia and PR from Spore/ HK, but am always treated as an outsider when i am with the ppl from any of the 3 countries. I do not belong to them by the mainstream definition. Malaysians overseas I know treat me as a foreigner as i am not able to speak Cantonese like a native speaker but speak English/Mandarin like Singaporeans do. Singaporeans treat me as a foreigner as i do not serve NS like they do, and not to mention HK as i have not even lived there for a long time although HK ppl is lovely. I am indeed an alien too, besides my best friend.
I found that sometimes we are ironically similar to the person that Wong Kar Wai sought to project in Days of Being Wild through Leslie Cheung - somebody in this world who is like a bird without legs, that it cannot land no matter how tired it is . The second part is the day the bird lands will be its last day on earth. Of course i am not a bird and i am too fat to fly non stop in the sky. But we can feel what it feels, with a kind of loneliness/tiredness that is buried deep in our hearts.
It took years for me to turn into the person I am today - a quiet, low profile, serious person. This is not coincidence of course as your environment will mould your character. I try to balance my negative side with more positive energy whichwas something i could do when i was in Singapore with sports/yoga/books/company from Piggy. I am now being stripped of the chances and ability to do good things to myself, my mind, my health, and it just makes me feel awful.
I thought i could make it for 2 yrs living in Shenzhen outskirt, but i am giving up soon. Each day is a long war to fight, my body and mind unable to carry on for too long. I might be giving up and return to where i came from soon. I am glad to do that, and i am dreaming of a long holiday say for 2 to 3 months, before i start another job later, as a hawker that sells char kwa teoy. Financial gain in Shenzhen may be good but at the expenses of my physical / mental health - no way! I am leading a life that i do not know who i am or where it is heading towards. Is this midlife crisis ?? i hope not.
2 days ago , i bought a large oil painting on canvas at SZ , a duplicate of a modern China oil painting. It showed 2 laughing asian men with one guy poking his index finger into another's nostril. I think not many will like it, but i think it is a picture that i want to hang in one of my rooms when i have a house to myself. It is what i want in the future, to be one half of a happy old couple.
Darby
